24 hours

sure it might not seem like 24hours is a long time, but sometimes it feels it. Today it feels it.
In 24hours I should be in the arms of the person I have been wanting to hold for 4 months. over the last 4 months we have established a good solid foundation - I think, it's hard to know. but it's hard to ever know.

The space has been good & frustrating. I am doing my best not to think about friday when I return.
Today I pack, try to keep calm & distracted so that the time can pass... this is not helped by texts, but then he is deliberately not helping me, as I have the day off work, while he is hard at work, literally, figuratively, so I make deliberately wind him up with my texts, he knows I can play that game too & previously I have been known to win.

Tomorrow I think people are going to think I am a nervous flyer... sure, I'm nervous something will fuck up & I wont get there at the time I want to get there - ie on time.

One of the best things about not being 16, is knowing we will make every minute count.

a few months later

firstly, as i thought... benefits cancelled. which is fine we are still good friends.
Things with my OB are... hmmm not sure I can condense this one. Its long distance, there is chatting, skyping, texting. It's not easy, but its not really hard work.
I am loving that I have someone to go home to, who is there & 'listen' to me & push me a bit, but not get in my way. An adult to discuss things with who is on my side.

We get dodgy together & push each others buttons in a fun way, but he is much more like who I really am, without having to push myself too far out of my comfort zone. If we were ice-cream, we'd be Hokey pokey flavour... basically vanilla with a few hidden gems.

In 38 days I fly down to see him. Stay with him for 4 days. I have told my mother, that I will be in her small town & not staying with her, I'll catch up for a few hours.
I'm having trouble waiting, but there is nothing else I can do. I can't move it earlier due to work commitments & his own family & work commitments. we are busy people, which fortunately makes the waiting easier. In the meantime we are probably over planning things etc, but it's fun.

Yesterday he sent me a job advert... freaked me out a little, but I'm glad he did. It will warm me up to the idea & I did a budget to see what I could afford to live on. Although he hasn't offered or mentioned it, the idea of living with someone also freaks me - all I can think is "A Man is not a Financial Plan", of course, neither is lotto, but that doesn't stop me buying tickets!
Actually it is only the financial side of things that really freaks me out when thinking about living with him - I know I like my own space, but he is away a fair bit, so I would get that.

I used to be so impulsive with decisions... now I have to let things ponder a lot more.

Wellington benefits may be put on the back burner & while not by me, I'm not bothered. My 'benefactor' is possibly moving into a more permanent relationship type, if this had happened last year I would have stomped my foot & pouted like a 4year old, but due to the OB, I'm ok.

I'm getting a lot of internet attention & I know i am an attention whore, so am currently thrown between loving this situation & being incredibly frustrated. Perhaps it is merely a case of wanting something I cant have.

Last night I hauled out my old high school diary, I wanted to know what happened to us & realised that I have always been an attention seeking whore, but back then had more opportunity for the whore side of things... I was a little disappointed in myself, but am glad to have matured & while I that girl hasn't been left completely behind, I have better values & more confidence to stick to them.
SO actually calculation is that OB will always be my 2nd. I like that :) He was "sooooo responsible" & while trying to convince me to go out with him, he used to walk me home from work - did I live in a movie??
I still have no idea how we broke up finally, i think this is due to him giving me a diary for Xmas, & I probably used that to record events rather than the diary I kept... I might have a look for it though, just in case. in the meantime 1992 is missing. I have some recollections of crying on him when I broke up with another guy... but that would have happened in September/October & I also remember inviting him to a party I had in 1993 in Jan/Feb.

In the real world/time zone however, we have been chatting, skyping & texting. it is delightful & easy & safe. While sometimes we talk as if we are together (I don't really know what we are, but that's a common thing for me) I have clarified that I am allowed my benefits.

And tonight - I Party!

This might be a bit of an essay

hmmm, ok, so if you have stumbled upon this blog & been confused over lack of posts, mostly it was due to having other things to do & forgetting the password. man I hate passwords - kind of. 

update - still single, technically. Still on the chubby side, but after the last idea failed, I'm into the accepting mode, that I like food, I like putting it into my mouth & eating it &can't be bothered changing that or anything else at this stage to remedy the padding.

This year I need more balance in my life, which means I need more of a social life. trickiness. At the moment my girl in with her Dad's parents and the Richard Cranium has returned from Australia & is now residing in the other island, which is good for her... but we'll see.

I am currently on holiday - for 2 more days (including today) & have been for nearly a month - a wonderful month!! Firstly we drove south before Xmas where my family live & I caught up with many old friends & family. basically while there I had a brief fling with an old boyfriend - fantastic! As well as getting a lot of relaxing done.
Of course I still have my benefits here, which for the record are also Fantastic. let me just put that in, mostly as I'm not sure who reads this & there is stuff there I don't want to post about today.

Let me instead give you a run down on Old Boyfriend (OB) actually he is mentioned here. we met when I was 15 & he is 3 years older. We dated... we actually dated - which in NZ is a rarity. He took me out to a meal, he gave me a driving lesson, in his newly acquired car - electric blue it was. He treated me well & I played with him. We had a lot of fun over the next 2 or 3 years, on & off.

Once I left home for Uni, he invited me to his 21st, we all got wonderfully drunk & I went back to uni blissfully unaware of his intentions. Several years later, when I was 24 & had recently left a 4 year relationship (with a really nice guy) because I was bored & not 'in love', OB & I caught up again. I remember one night we got drunk on some home brew bourbon & stayed over, I had work the next morning at 7:30am & he supplied with a satin pillowcase - so I didn't have to mess up my hair :) Then a few days later we meet for coffee & he starts to try to have a serious conversation with me... I knock him back stating I didn't want anything serious & was trying to sort some stuff out.

7 months later I got married. For the last few years I've felt bad about treating him that way, although I still think it was the right thing to do.

But it was awesome to catch up with him, let him know I felt bad about being such a flippant tease. Thanks to FB we are still in touch & the other night, he asked me to Marry him! hahaha - through FB messaging, while I turned him down - or rather suggested that next time he propose properly with jewelry,  it is interesting to think about it. Of course given that he is a 3 hour boat ride & then 7 hour car drive away, it is easy to think about it, romanticize about the idea of marrying a childhood sweetheart after taking 20 years to sort your shit out. but then I know I have never spent enough time with him in one go to ensure I wouldn't get bored or find him annoying.
But then again, the idea of having a long distance marriage is kind of appealing... so long as I could continue to have my Wellington Benefits.