The Quest:

I went in search of my poetry so as to give you a treat, instead I found my old diary from high school - It was a 5 year diary and while I didn't fill in every page, some pages have entries from numerous years - especially the ones over New year.
So I thought I would treat you to what I was doing this day my half life ago... I haven't pre-read anything, infact there could be nothing there for today at all. Please be warned - i had no writing style back then.
On this day the 29th, November 1991:

"I got up with Mum & Clare and then I cleaned my room and luxed the house. Then I went round to Davids at about 9am and we went to town. He had to order cream buns for the unemployment centre. Then we went to David's and his nana and aunt arrived with his 2 cousins. David came home with me after they left and we took the joy-sticks apart. I bet him at racing and he tickled me to death. We were just lying on the floor when we heard Clare but luckily we heard her before she saw us.
I went to Katrina's party. we watched a really horrible movie called 'Squirm' it was gross! we had lots of fun."


the surprising thing is I don't think there are any euphemisms in this entry at all! The reasoning that I got to be home alone, is due to school cert exams being over.
The only thing i actually remember about this day is the movie at Katrinas!
The next entry there were. I think i chose a good day to trial this! erg!!!

Week of Wierd!

It's been one of those weeks.

My initial problem I think, is that I know too many 'Johns'.

John 1: Invited me to a 3 some, which i turned down. and despite the fact that he has a girlfriend (or possibly becuase of it) we have been txt/email flirting.
Jon 2: MSN'd me, as he has just got out of jail. we also had a good phone conversation.
John 3: Messaged me, and I agreed to a date, where he comes over Friday to watch a dvd. After teasing him online for 3 months.


I'm looking forward to friday ;)

spongebob's alter ego

it is possible that i have a thing for cartoons... but...

I was looking at my spongy/scouring thing in the kitchen and decided that if Sponge Bob had an evil twin, it would be one of those - sponge on one side, green scour-pad on the other.

In other news: today i enjoyed scaring my daughter today with maniacal laughter.

My fingernails are losing their grip

I'm having a low swing. I know this, and I know that so long as I hang around I'll be OK.

Nothing is all that bad, just feeling a bit despondent. This morning I was fantasising about being taken out - just laid up, so I didn't have to be responsible for anything, I don't want to die or anything. It's a horrible thing to think about really, I'm a single mother for gods sake, but I'm firstly a person.

At this stage i think these thoughts are mostly due to to my lack of finances, but it also I fear has a it to do with the isolation I feel and the trappedness of my situation. which really comes back to lack of money. Maybe it's just PMS? lack of healthy food? time of year? Lack of a grown up cuddle?

Or do I simply need another coffee?

silly really. I have nothing that bad to complain about - yesterday I got the corset I bought off TM, and it was too big for me! what a complaint!!

I knew I should have been blonde!

I only JUST realised my last post said 187kg - was meant to be 87!!! omg I can't even imagine weighing another 100kg! or another overweight person added to me!!

I'm trying to put a meme together at the moment, and while I have the questions, and can easily sort out the 'results' blurbs I'm not sure about the actual bit that puts things together. For the first time in my life, I'd like a computer geek as a boyfriend.

Resolution/ideas time

so here's my current status - no shit - ok minor shit, straight up.

87kg, about 175cm high (harder to measure) still got a technical hour glass figure, in that my hips and tits are basically the same measurements, but my stomach is threatening to make me a rectangle - about a 10cm difference anyway.

32 years old, once married, twice engaged, 3 times lived with significant other. one kid. many skills - none of them, other than sex. to a skill of any actual merit.
I like my job, despite not being paid great amounts. I have too much debt.

I read somewhere that if you keep doing the same things, you get the same results. so it's time to mix things up - just need to decide where, or possibly what i am most unhappy about.

Today that thing is: my social and friends list. It's small and unreliable list - I don't begrudge the unreliability part, after all my good friends are busy and getting on with things - I really aren't interested in having too many bums on my close friends list (one or two is fine). I like ambition.
If your ambition is to sponge off the government and do as little as possible, then I will support you 95% (5% reserved as I know you could do better and if you ever change your mind) after all a goal is a goal, who am I to tell you what is worthy?

right then, with this in mind, how does one go about finding reliable people that will offer to babysit my daughter, so i might have a social life? I meet people all the time, everyday - it's not like there is a shortage there!
I've found (in chch anyway) that these are generally people who either love me (hard to find), want children or want grandchildren, or want to be paid. a bit tricker, but i'm sure it can be done.
I guess I'm regimented in that my work stays at work, i don't flirt with my daughter present - unless it is expected, and I'm seldom out on the actual prowl.
so what i'm typing is, basically, that i don't flirt often enough. so step one, step it up. I might warn my workmate though - oh I'm looking forward to monday now! :)

some days are shittier than others

some days it just sucks arse being single, and this week I've had 2 of them.

One only comes around once a year - birthday. Being single on my birthday, means for me anyway, that the only people who are sending me messages are family, strange websites, insurance companies and one overseas friend who read their friends birthday list on facebook. The rest of you SUCK!!! OK, so having a birthday isn't exactly the toughest thing to achieve - but i kept breathing - for the whole year!!

the other, was being sick - really sick, throwing up type sick - in the middle of the night. Lost 1kg in my efforts.
Sure, i dont want anyone to be around me while I'm like that, but I do miss the attentive "can i get you anything" or the little checking ins, that make you feel less alone. Hell, I'd even settle for a decent flatmate to offer to pick up my kid from school.

I know, I'm very social, but it takes me a long time to actually trust people with normal everyday stuff - well, I have to trust them that they wont let me down, and that I'm not putting them out. And I'm too proud, so while i drop hints that I'm getting older etc, and people might ask me the date, and i tell them, after all I'm not ashamed about getting older, I somehow think they will remember me.
Perhaps people do remember me, just not enough to care.

I really am alone.

the best thing at Xmas

is the Cadbury Magical Elves - OMG!! I'd forgotten about those aaaaggggghhhhh *drool running to the floor*

In other news: it turns out I had been underrating the decrepedness of males. I have been given the insight that every guy I have probably ever met has thought about me in a sexual manner.
So you'd like to think this means that I walk around looking like a hot porn start (I know sounds like a contradiction) yet surprisingly this isn't the case.
Is this why guys are pretty useless? is it a serious case of over-stimulus? Is there any point at trying to look hotter than normal?
If guys are thinking - all the time - about every girl that crosses their path, in sexual fantasy terms, then how the hell do I make an impact??

Women are beginning to look attractive.

Incorrect classification

in my attempts to find MacGyver, I've wandered into the adult only section and become porn.
OK, so I love sex, and I've written a little erotica, and told made up many stories in the interests of spicing things up. I've tried various things and enjoyed most of them, but I've normally had a more active part in events.

In this situation I just seem to being used for my imagination, and at the end of the day I'm not sure that it would be enough to know I satisfied someone else with my imagination. What's in it for me?

I'm worth more than a flick of the wrist. surely.

I think i should offer an apology.

I never should have let things go on as they did - good angel
It was fun and exciting - bad angel
Given he is under the rules, it was his responsibility. - bad angel
If you were a good friend, you wouldn't cause him trouble - good angel

they both have very valid points.

I don't have to choose before Monday. I'm not really sure how to develop this into 'normal' friendship.

Opps I did it again

the main difference is, this time it was deliberate. Kind of. more like an experiment where i wasn't sure what the out come would be, but I got THERE after all.

Conclusion: It's me. not them. I make them go crazy.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not all egotistical or anything. and i can justify it out that in truth it really is all his own fault. Ask me a question, and you will probably find I will answer it. And i do warn people who are only starting to get to know me, that if you don't want an answer, you don't ask the question.

now for those who have managed to get past all the mumbo jumbo of the above, it breaks down like this: I asked a friend to pass on my email to one of their friends. I get initial email to start the 'getting to know you' phase - having only met them twice, and last time it was established we were both single on the prowl.
After a few emails - some with some more personal details elaborated, it is clarified that he is no longer single, which is cool, I need more friends in wellington (this is bringing my friend level up to about 4).
More questioning is exchanged as the week progresses including a quantity of pervy 'what have you tried' type stuff. Then moved onto the 'what do you think about when...' and 'do you ever have to take a break in a secluded room due to these emails?' type stuff. Basically wanting to know if I used his image/ideas/whatever as 'motivation'.
Now, this isn't information I like to just give out - after all, it would feel like he was watching me, while I was self-indulging, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing - if he was actually there. Also, I don't like to give people too much of an ego rush - after all it's MY imagination at work, I don't know him that well to predict what he would ACTUALLY do, next thing he'd want is a rating!!
The other detail I should add, is that these emails are being sent from his work!! mine are from home (due to sick child). oh and I always answer as honestly as possible. But i'm not completely innocent here, there is considerable flirting happening.
Then time rolls around, so that he is off home, he sends me his cell number and offers to send me a pix of him in a secluded room. I nearly fell out of my deck chair with laughter, as the multiple scenarios of what he could look like course through my brain, but there was no way I could say - hell yes, send it baby! I sent him my number. At this point I know I have under $5 left on my phone, so there was no way I was going to start the texting.
But he did. I let him know up front that I had little money left and can't top up till Thursday.
The texts really didn't get back to platonic, until i ran out of money. Then he called, just to check that was why i hadn't responded. and he called twice this morning, wanting to know what i wanted and what i got up to after the texting.
I know I can't have him, he can't come over here, and that's ok. I'm not in love, infatuated or anything. He's a nice guy that is funny, and smart, and he's in a relationship, but it's not my responsibility to make sure he follows the rules - it's his.
Sure, if he were single it would be a different story, and even if his relationship were to end, I'd make him wait at least a week or two.

close but no cigar.

located a nice, charming, intelligent, amusing guy, with a good job; who finds me attractive, and funny.

of course he can say all those things - he's no longer single.

When you have that security, you can say things like - 'missed opportunity'

Perhaps I should make it high-school like - suggest he break up with her to be with me, of course then, i would be waiting from him to dump me for the next person.

By god i am going to do everything in my power to look hot at his party.

Things I never thought I'd say at work:

9am this morning "Someone's crumpet has popped"
then i was advised to help myself - although there was only marge to have on top; I did stop and not say "Sorry, I prefer my crumpet with jam" nor "Your crumpet's better than no crumpet" nor any of the other inuendo crumpet thoughts that were flying through my head.

Emo: WTF?

ok, so there is this term going around 'emo' and everytime I hear it I initially think of Elmo - and cute red giggly thing in so not what they are going for, nor is Nemo - although possibly closer in smell. However, an emo Nemo and Elmo the emo, dueling it out could be an interesting and much amusing.

for me anyway.

Hopefully I will win a digital handy cam from work, and then i could reenact a possible scenario and post it on the web! who will win??? place you bets now!

Disclosure

Firstly, I'm not the genius of computers and internetting that my mother believes I am - Odd but true, and so around the time that I am puzzled as to how any new people will find this blog without me directing them straight to it, I have been added to a 'feed'. Yah! Still wondering how random people will ever find my blog - other than clicking on the 'next blog' button. Maybe one day I will see a search box that works.

Today I learnt to tie one kind of fishing fly - nice to have a new skill that I will soon be earning money from :)

I have been emailing a friendly soul, that if things progressed I wouldn't object - possible MacGuyver - and so I am thinking that at the end of my next email a disclosure something along the lines of: Due to errors in my judgement; If you have an interest in having more than 'friendship' with me you need to have approval first from one or more of a growing list. For further enquires please enquire within.

Oh and lastly, I'm going to be busy this week with a final assignment due thursday - no extentions allowed - and I haven't started yet. sigh, again! So far I am sitting on 60% for the paper :)

School: Help

please, please please... I want some help.
I have a 'back to School' party to go to (next month) and i would like some help on costume ideas.
Sadly, i sold all my costume type items when i left chch, and cut off my hair - so no more pigtails of decent length.
so i get to start again, and need to choose: Uniform Student, Teacher, PE Student or Janitor or other - but you will have to suggest what the other will be. and I'm not going as the office lady! The janitor idea appeals to me most at the moment, due to it being a bit different, although i'm not sure how sexy overalls can be on a size 16 woman/girl. of course if i looked like a Tui girl - it wouldn't matter what i wore I'd look hot. but i don't - look like a tui girl that is.

actually i think, after looking at photos from the last back to school party i went to, that it may be better if i don't eat anything either until the party. don't worry, i don't actually have the will power to make that happen! In fact, I did score that night - so fingers crossed for a 'lucky' theme.