Flashbacks!!

the last 30 hours have been the best in ages!

I finally felt a bit more 'normal' - although still coughing.
Started the day off with starting a book, and reading for a while, then Samantha & I went to the video store in preparation for my evening with PG. I chose The Bourne Ultimatum, and Arthur & the Invisibles, since I got those, Sam was allowed a free weekly PS2 game - good ol' Dora!

then after some relaxing at home again (and tidying of the flat) we went and picked up PG from his sisters. We had a good catch up over the night - still crazy to think that it's been 12 years! We ate some chinese, drank some vino, watched the Bourne Ultimatum and chatted even more. Samantha went to bed easily - although i warned her I may have to wake her to take PG home again. I didn't.

It was perfect (as a one night) - here are the rules to follow:
1. no compliments - let your hands and lips do that - no words.
2. no cuddles
3. make sure the person knows you are leaving the country.

If you follow rule number 2 properly, then in the morning when/if you are ready to go again, you can go back to rule number 1 - and your intentions will be clear, and you will by gesture have complimented your partner on the previous nights activities.

I have to admit to having broken rule number 1, but it was more a 'thanks' than a compliment, and I think it is fairly important to let them know what they did so well 12 years ago, that has gone on to give you many, many, many nights of pleasure. The changes that had occurred over the years, were for the most part improvements - even physically.

oh and we got up early to take him back to his sisters, and then watched Arthur, before heading over to my Aunts and taking my Mum out to lunch. We also watched Breakfast at Tiffany's and His Girl Friday.

in summary: I got laid, and it was the best way to end a year that has been filled with people from my past.

It's a wonderful life

I know I'm the master of my own destiny, but visualisation has NEVER worked for me - other than to ensure things will not turn out that way.

there are things that I would like to see happen and indeed be part of, however I have visualised these and it will never happen - probably just as well.
I did however text a friend a couple of weeks ago, and if he had responded for the assent then I'm sure it would have been a night of fun. Now however, I'm not sure it is such a good idea. But i would still like to catch up with him and see how things have gone lately, i think he has additional ideas. and it is all my fault. So now i avoid - I could stop being so cowardly.

i love Christmas - well, once all the decorations are done and presents bought, and I can sit back and relax an wait for the big day to arrive.
I'm especially excited this year, as I have got my daughter things I am positive she will love, and it's great that my mum is coming to me this year - even better she is staying at my aunts, so I can easily escape if need arises.
Also I get to see Pete again, I find it really weird that this is a guy I spent 12 months with, and then nothing for 12 years, so many changes over that time, it's almost like meeting someone new, yet I have already been introduced.
then i am going to visit my friends in Taupo for New year - then back to have my own party.

I can't WAIT!!!!!

ratings

It came to my attention this weekend that Pete is a rating - PG, and I also know an AO - I work with him. I was delighted to learn that he too realised his initials are a rating.

It has also come to my attention many errors grammatical and spelling that are made in my blag. this simply because I don't proof read. I rely on the squiggle that is spell check.

I have been planning a party - a little late in the day for a New Year party, so now i am going to move it to the 5th, and go to Taupo for New Years! Oh the revelry!

The Return!

I almost had a secret admirer this morning, then it turned out it was a John.
At 6:30am - ungodly hour - I got a text "I love you" from an unknown number. So an hour later (i had to wait for my thumbs to wake up) I replied "Thanks, that's sweet - who is this?" 2 hours later i get "It John, love you". aaaarrrrgggg run screaming.

I have received some great advice: ignore him. I LOVE it!! just the sort of advice I would give a friend in my situation. So I have also reached another conclusion: a John Fast. no communication to any John, unless email or MSN. no texts, phone calls, or booty calls.

Of all the ex's I would even consider getting back together with, i think I choose PG (said as Peege) - good job, intelligent guy, was fairly decent, and I remember the sex being pretty good too. of course the fact that it's been 12 years since I saw him last possibly helps. - Look people, as Ex who had the decency to leave me in peace!!

Costume designer anyone?

So tonight, was the party, it was quite good, but one of the two people I would have known at the party pulled out with sickness - I swear the man spends half his life sick! So this meant that for the first time in I don't know how long I was at a party where there were no guys I had shagged before! technically.

I have a confession though: I had 'phone sex' the other night, and I think it counts, as the next day i wasn't so.... wound up. I think that is the best term. It was like when you shag someone and they no longer interest you anymore. I know, I've been told I can be soooo like a guy, - obviously not physically!
Speaking of that: tonight i remembered my 6th form formal lesson - never do strapless. To wear the corset - which gives me a fantastic trim waist - I also had to wear a bra underneath and sewed it on, even then it was trying to slip down all night! Hard to breathe sitting down, and my shoes were making my feet sore. trials of a woman. I think i looked pretty good though, and there will be photos - at some stage. I was the only headmistress, although there was a headmaster. Most people did dress up which was great.
I think i was also giving people the wrong impression as several guys asked me if I was into dominance- which I'm not, and said as much - obviously though i can look the part.

I once wanted to be a famous extra

Today I was messaged by one of my ex-boyfriends, whom i was with for a year during my initial uni years, through FB. I thought it was pretty cool. I contacted him a few months ago, but changed computers and really i'm fairly slack about communicating, unless it is somewhere easy like FB. I'm even fairly slack with texting!
It was great to see a photo of him, I think all that has changed is his t-shirt! seriously I have the same photo of him in one of my albums, just he's wearing a different shirt. This could possibly be because he was also wearing a hat - he may have gone bald.

I'm trying to be calm about tonight - but really I'm buzzing!!! Party!!! where i get to dress up! I LOVE dressing up!!! I know i wont look as hot as i want, but it wouldn't matter what size or shape i was, i'd never be completely happy anyway, I'm a real make do with what i've got kinda girl. - probably sums up my whole life really! - ok, not in the mood to do a deep and meaningful now! I'm going to have to pick up some V to get me through & I hope my nails dont break before tonight - they have been so good all week!!



I've decided that my subject lines should have something to do with modern cinematic/tv culture given the title of my blog, while also having some reference to the actual content of the post - If you understand the link, then congrats you are worthy of reading this.

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall

why don't you reflect the image in my head?

Today, I bought some xmas pressies for my daughter -yah! Xmas has started.

We are going to have someone come into work, and give us tips on how to be more efficient etc. I'm a bit worried that she's going to find out i don't really know what i'm doing and that everything i have been doing has been crap. I know that this won't really happen, i'm just being paranoid, but I can't control paranoia! In the meantime we have a competition to bring some more sales! I like that.

I have been enjoying Black Books - english comedy series - funny!!

From the depths of dust rises:

This is a poem, that has been bugging me this week, and after much searching, i finally found it!

If 6 Were 9

If 6 were 9

You’d still be mine.

We would have been 19.

Would that have made

Everything alright?

I can’t get you out of my head.

I told you once

I’d love you forever.

I found out it’s true.

If 6 were 9

Everything would be fine.

I must have written this when I was 19, but some days it still holds true.

The Quest:

I went in search of my poetry so as to give you a treat, instead I found my old diary from high school - It was a 5 year diary and while I didn't fill in every page, some pages have entries from numerous years - especially the ones over New year.
So I thought I would treat you to what I was doing this day my half life ago... I haven't pre-read anything, infact there could be nothing there for today at all. Please be warned - i had no writing style back then.
On this day the 29th, November 1991:

"I got up with Mum & Clare and then I cleaned my room and luxed the house. Then I went round to Davids at about 9am and we went to town. He had to order cream buns for the unemployment centre. Then we went to David's and his nana and aunt arrived with his 2 cousins. David came home with me after they left and we took the joy-sticks apart. I bet him at racing and he tickled me to death. We were just lying on the floor when we heard Clare but luckily we heard her before she saw us.
I went to Katrina's party. we watched a really horrible movie called 'Squirm' it was gross! we had lots of fun."


the surprising thing is I don't think there are any euphemisms in this entry at all! The reasoning that I got to be home alone, is due to school cert exams being over.
The only thing i actually remember about this day is the movie at Katrinas!
The next entry there were. I think i chose a good day to trial this! erg!!!

Week of Wierd!

It's been one of those weeks.

My initial problem I think, is that I know too many 'Johns'.

John 1: Invited me to a 3 some, which i turned down. and despite the fact that he has a girlfriend (or possibly becuase of it) we have been txt/email flirting.
Jon 2: MSN'd me, as he has just got out of jail. we also had a good phone conversation.
John 3: Messaged me, and I agreed to a date, where he comes over Friday to watch a dvd. After teasing him online for 3 months.


I'm looking forward to friday ;)

spongebob's alter ego

it is possible that i have a thing for cartoons... but...

I was looking at my spongy/scouring thing in the kitchen and decided that if Sponge Bob had an evil twin, it would be one of those - sponge on one side, green scour-pad on the other.

In other news: today i enjoyed scaring my daughter today with maniacal laughter.

My fingernails are losing their grip

I'm having a low swing. I know this, and I know that so long as I hang around I'll be OK.

Nothing is all that bad, just feeling a bit despondent. This morning I was fantasising about being taken out - just laid up, so I didn't have to be responsible for anything, I don't want to die or anything. It's a horrible thing to think about really, I'm a single mother for gods sake, but I'm firstly a person.

At this stage i think these thoughts are mostly due to to my lack of finances, but it also I fear has a it to do with the isolation I feel and the trappedness of my situation. which really comes back to lack of money. Maybe it's just PMS? lack of healthy food? time of year? Lack of a grown up cuddle?

Or do I simply need another coffee?

silly really. I have nothing that bad to complain about - yesterday I got the corset I bought off TM, and it was too big for me! what a complaint!!

I knew I should have been blonde!

I only JUST realised my last post said 187kg - was meant to be 87!!! omg I can't even imagine weighing another 100kg! or another overweight person added to me!!

I'm trying to put a meme together at the moment, and while I have the questions, and can easily sort out the 'results' blurbs I'm not sure about the actual bit that puts things together. For the first time in my life, I'd like a computer geek as a boyfriend.

Resolution/ideas time

so here's my current status - no shit - ok minor shit, straight up.

87kg, about 175cm high (harder to measure) still got a technical hour glass figure, in that my hips and tits are basically the same measurements, but my stomach is threatening to make me a rectangle - about a 10cm difference anyway.

32 years old, once married, twice engaged, 3 times lived with significant other. one kid. many skills - none of them, other than sex. to a skill of any actual merit.
I like my job, despite not being paid great amounts. I have too much debt.

I read somewhere that if you keep doing the same things, you get the same results. so it's time to mix things up - just need to decide where, or possibly what i am most unhappy about.

Today that thing is: my social and friends list. It's small and unreliable list - I don't begrudge the unreliability part, after all my good friends are busy and getting on with things - I really aren't interested in having too many bums on my close friends list (one or two is fine). I like ambition.
If your ambition is to sponge off the government and do as little as possible, then I will support you 95% (5% reserved as I know you could do better and if you ever change your mind) after all a goal is a goal, who am I to tell you what is worthy?

right then, with this in mind, how does one go about finding reliable people that will offer to babysit my daughter, so i might have a social life? I meet people all the time, everyday - it's not like there is a shortage there!
I've found (in chch anyway) that these are generally people who either love me (hard to find), want children or want grandchildren, or want to be paid. a bit tricker, but i'm sure it can be done.
I guess I'm regimented in that my work stays at work, i don't flirt with my daughter present - unless it is expected, and I'm seldom out on the actual prowl.
so what i'm typing is, basically, that i don't flirt often enough. so step one, step it up. I might warn my workmate though - oh I'm looking forward to monday now! :)

some days are shittier than others

some days it just sucks arse being single, and this week I've had 2 of them.

One only comes around once a year - birthday. Being single on my birthday, means for me anyway, that the only people who are sending me messages are family, strange websites, insurance companies and one overseas friend who read their friends birthday list on facebook. The rest of you SUCK!!! OK, so having a birthday isn't exactly the toughest thing to achieve - but i kept breathing - for the whole year!!

the other, was being sick - really sick, throwing up type sick - in the middle of the night. Lost 1kg in my efforts.
Sure, i dont want anyone to be around me while I'm like that, but I do miss the attentive "can i get you anything" or the little checking ins, that make you feel less alone. Hell, I'd even settle for a decent flatmate to offer to pick up my kid from school.

I know, I'm very social, but it takes me a long time to actually trust people with normal everyday stuff - well, I have to trust them that they wont let me down, and that I'm not putting them out. And I'm too proud, so while i drop hints that I'm getting older etc, and people might ask me the date, and i tell them, after all I'm not ashamed about getting older, I somehow think they will remember me.
Perhaps people do remember me, just not enough to care.

I really am alone.

the best thing at Xmas

is the Cadbury Magical Elves - OMG!! I'd forgotten about those aaaaggggghhhhh *drool running to the floor*

In other news: it turns out I had been underrating the decrepedness of males. I have been given the insight that every guy I have probably ever met has thought about me in a sexual manner.
So you'd like to think this means that I walk around looking like a hot porn start (I know sounds like a contradiction) yet surprisingly this isn't the case.
Is this why guys are pretty useless? is it a serious case of over-stimulus? Is there any point at trying to look hotter than normal?
If guys are thinking - all the time - about every girl that crosses their path, in sexual fantasy terms, then how the hell do I make an impact??

Women are beginning to look attractive.

Incorrect classification

in my attempts to find MacGyver, I've wandered into the adult only section and become porn.
OK, so I love sex, and I've written a little erotica, and told made up many stories in the interests of spicing things up. I've tried various things and enjoyed most of them, but I've normally had a more active part in events.

In this situation I just seem to being used for my imagination, and at the end of the day I'm not sure that it would be enough to know I satisfied someone else with my imagination. What's in it for me?

I'm worth more than a flick of the wrist. surely.

I think i should offer an apology.

I never should have let things go on as they did - good angel
It was fun and exciting - bad angel
Given he is under the rules, it was his responsibility. - bad angel
If you were a good friend, you wouldn't cause him trouble - good angel

they both have very valid points.

I don't have to choose before Monday. I'm not really sure how to develop this into 'normal' friendship.

Opps I did it again

the main difference is, this time it was deliberate. Kind of. more like an experiment where i wasn't sure what the out come would be, but I got THERE after all.

Conclusion: It's me. not them. I make them go crazy.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not all egotistical or anything. and i can justify it out that in truth it really is all his own fault. Ask me a question, and you will probably find I will answer it. And i do warn people who are only starting to get to know me, that if you don't want an answer, you don't ask the question.

now for those who have managed to get past all the mumbo jumbo of the above, it breaks down like this: I asked a friend to pass on my email to one of their friends. I get initial email to start the 'getting to know you' phase - having only met them twice, and last time it was established we were both single on the prowl.
After a few emails - some with some more personal details elaborated, it is clarified that he is no longer single, which is cool, I need more friends in wellington (this is bringing my friend level up to about 4).
More questioning is exchanged as the week progresses including a quantity of pervy 'what have you tried' type stuff. Then moved onto the 'what do you think about when...' and 'do you ever have to take a break in a secluded room due to these emails?' type stuff. Basically wanting to know if I used his image/ideas/whatever as 'motivation'.
Now, this isn't information I like to just give out - after all, it would feel like he was watching me, while I was self-indulging, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing - if he was actually there. Also, I don't like to give people too much of an ego rush - after all it's MY imagination at work, I don't know him that well to predict what he would ACTUALLY do, next thing he'd want is a rating!!
The other detail I should add, is that these emails are being sent from his work!! mine are from home (due to sick child). oh and I always answer as honestly as possible. But i'm not completely innocent here, there is considerable flirting happening.
Then time rolls around, so that he is off home, he sends me his cell number and offers to send me a pix of him in a secluded room. I nearly fell out of my deck chair with laughter, as the multiple scenarios of what he could look like course through my brain, but there was no way I could say - hell yes, send it baby! I sent him my number. At this point I know I have under $5 left on my phone, so there was no way I was going to start the texting.
But he did. I let him know up front that I had little money left and can't top up till Thursday.
The texts really didn't get back to platonic, until i ran out of money. Then he called, just to check that was why i hadn't responded. and he called twice this morning, wanting to know what i wanted and what i got up to after the texting.
I know I can't have him, he can't come over here, and that's ok. I'm not in love, infatuated or anything. He's a nice guy that is funny, and smart, and he's in a relationship, but it's not my responsibility to make sure he follows the rules - it's his.
Sure, if he were single it would be a different story, and even if his relationship were to end, I'd make him wait at least a week or two.

close but no cigar.

located a nice, charming, intelligent, amusing guy, with a good job; who finds me attractive, and funny.

of course he can say all those things - he's no longer single.

When you have that security, you can say things like - 'missed opportunity'

Perhaps I should make it high-school like - suggest he break up with her to be with me, of course then, i would be waiting from him to dump me for the next person.

By god i am going to do everything in my power to look hot at his party.

Things I never thought I'd say at work:

9am this morning "Someone's crumpet has popped"
then i was advised to help myself - although there was only marge to have on top; I did stop and not say "Sorry, I prefer my crumpet with jam" nor "Your crumpet's better than no crumpet" nor any of the other inuendo crumpet thoughts that were flying through my head.

Emo: WTF?

ok, so there is this term going around 'emo' and everytime I hear it I initially think of Elmo - and cute red giggly thing in so not what they are going for, nor is Nemo - although possibly closer in smell. However, an emo Nemo and Elmo the emo, dueling it out could be an interesting and much amusing.

for me anyway.

Hopefully I will win a digital handy cam from work, and then i could reenact a possible scenario and post it on the web! who will win??? place you bets now!

Disclosure

Firstly, I'm not the genius of computers and internetting that my mother believes I am - Odd but true, and so around the time that I am puzzled as to how any new people will find this blog without me directing them straight to it, I have been added to a 'feed'. Yah! Still wondering how random people will ever find my blog - other than clicking on the 'next blog' button. Maybe one day I will see a search box that works.

Today I learnt to tie one kind of fishing fly - nice to have a new skill that I will soon be earning money from :)

I have been emailing a friendly soul, that if things progressed I wouldn't object - possible MacGuyver - and so I am thinking that at the end of my next email a disclosure something along the lines of: Due to errors in my judgement; If you have an interest in having more than 'friendship' with me you need to have approval first from one or more of a growing list. For further enquires please enquire within.

Oh and lastly, I'm going to be busy this week with a final assignment due thursday - no extentions allowed - and I haven't started yet. sigh, again! So far I am sitting on 60% for the paper :)

School: Help

please, please please... I want some help.
I have a 'back to School' party to go to (next month) and i would like some help on costume ideas.
Sadly, i sold all my costume type items when i left chch, and cut off my hair - so no more pigtails of decent length.
so i get to start again, and need to choose: Uniform Student, Teacher, PE Student or Janitor or other - but you will have to suggest what the other will be. and I'm not going as the office lady! The janitor idea appeals to me most at the moment, due to it being a bit different, although i'm not sure how sexy overalls can be on a size 16 woman/girl. of course if i looked like a Tui girl - it wouldn't matter what i wore I'd look hot. but i don't - look like a tui girl that is.

actually i think, after looking at photos from the last back to school party i went to, that it may be better if i don't eat anything either until the party. don't worry, i don't actually have the will power to make that happen! In fact, I did score that night - so fingers crossed for a 'lucky' theme.

Calvin & Hobbes: A Blode

A blode is a Blog Ode - no poetic writing needed.

Here's to you Calvin, for your spirit, creativity and endurance.
Reading your books, i sometimes feel for Susie - annoying girl, with super ADHD annoying boy neighbour - which i never had.
Othertimes, i relate to your parents - stunningly realistic and even at times optimistic when faced with the snowmen we all wish we could have created.
Rosalie becomes an idol, a woman with such strength of character she comes back for more, knowing that your antics are well paid.

I have never wondered why you are an only child.

Congratulations to your creator for never selling out!

The more things change, the more they stay the same

I'm going through a particularly poor patch at the moment, so dire in fact, that i have listed 9 of my 11 Calvin and Hobbes books on Trademe :( (for those who dont know, Trademe, is NZ version of ebay - we can get ebay, but we like the local version better)
I've been collecting and reading them since 1994 when i acquired my first few from the University of Canterbury book shop - basically i've done a budget, and it looks like i currently wont be able to meet my next car payment - ooohhh harsh, yes I know i have over financed myself, and it is all my own fault, but i just need an extra $100/$200 to get through. And then there is Xmas to contend with! arg! I really want to buy my daughter a bike, but it will just have to see. I'll probably get a commission payout next month - although after tax, it's about half of Gross! always sounds better than reality! still better than nothing!

my flatmate is still driving me nuts - yesterday her brat put his crazy frog on at 7:30 in the morning - it was fucking Saturday!!! She was in the shower, and when i mentioned it to her today her reply was "I didn't even notice". it is taking immense strength of character (or possibly basic laziness) not to ransack the room and destroy said cd. The least she should have apologised, thank god he's only here half the time. Only have till March, then we will be moving - although that's something else I'm going to have to find funds for.

it would be luverly to find a man, and have him mow lawns, do masculine things and then beg me to live with him in March - then i can be that woman with her kid! I don't necessarily want his money, just an opportunity. please?

go now!!!!!!!

your 'must have for Spring' would have to be "Meet The Feebles" available from the Warehouse - and it should be in most stores, given i spied it in Oamaru first, before my daughter read it in their flier - so go on!!! get your copy now!!

I'm considering upgrading my version, but having Peter Von Jackson is just too cool!

I've been leading a boy on... and i know it's wrong, but it is fun and easy. Tomorrow however, i shall have to duck, or lie. then again i suppose both options would be fibbing, but there is no way he is going to be coming over here to administer a brazilian then shag me!! not at 10:30 in the morning! I know i'm starting to get desperate, but a chubby 25year old isn't the way, not that i am any goddess picture at the moment.

I loathe wanting a man, but i do right now. I keep hoping it's a phase that will pass, alas it is not and at the same time I don't want to get into something stupid - again - just to cure the urges.

Started in school

I don't play well with others. It's not that i'm disruptive or aggressive or get into fights; I just like to be by myself and I have the ability to function well alone. Hence, my flatmate and her kid are driving me MAD!!!
tonight there was the sound of the annoying Frog - stupid music, but at a high volume - bloody intolerable! she made the attempt to close the lounge door so i wouldn't be bothered too much, but on and on it went and then there was the jumping around etc. loud, obnoxious and here.
there are some people who should never own a gun, and I am probably one of them - my tolerance is low, and i am bottling well.
On the plus side this is all giving me opportunity to practice my poker face.

the rise and fall

fickle really, but since the final cancelling of my friend (well I think he's a friend - even if he doesn't reply to emails or messages - sob) Caleb's LJ - for the 3rd? time, I am finding my friends page on LJ to be particularly boring! Instead of having a selection of differing friends posting their happenings, all i can read is Londoner in search of job, NZ/American student geeking and wellingtonians looking for flatmates.

The controversy created by Dirtyfilthy was interesting, and annoying and drew out the trolls from their bridges of suburbia - gave up I think! come on!! get hard... If i could think as annoyingly as DF, I'd recreate and see how many personia can form. I generally can think this creatively, but only when encouraged by likeminded people - and sadly I haven't found them here in Wellington... yet - but I haven't been out looking either.

in other news I have decided that if the answer isn't "Hell YES!!" then it is "no". Not giving in to easy temptation - be strong!

art-high

so i have an idea for an experimental art experience/experiment.

basically 4 rooms, 12 or 20 volunteers - probably 12 would be best. the people would be of an artistic temperament - visual art, writers & performance. In each room, the artists will be plied with different substance. One would be grass, one barbiturates, one sugar & caffeine, the last will endure sleep dep with a ticking clock and other annoying features.
After a specified amount of time their results will be displayed as an exhibition. I would call it "Name that Stimulant".

I just need to work on a consent form, a location, and how to get the hard drugs. I would like to administer all drugs via chocolate brownies and need to work out feasibility of that. also need to suss out the length of time for the experiment to take.

So far (after talking to 2 people) i have one volunteer.

goodness

Sooooo good to be back in Wellington!

Man, i would love a shag though! instead, i have been grocery shopping, and filled my car with petrol and am now eating yummy coupland Super choc-chip Bites! mmmmm bought specially from chch :) I had one on the plane too - was just like old times when Air NZ used to hand out biscuits.

I had such a great holiday! but here is not the place to blab about it.

The Man Quest

are there still men out there?
One of my friends pointed out to me, that i refer to males as 'boys' - but really that is what they are. Boys i understand - although i'm no longer sure what would categorise a male to be a 'man'. Infact when i mentioned this to another girlfriend of mine, she too was stumped to mention any of our male friends as men. Perhaps it is this lack of respect, that is truely holding me back from finding someone worthy. My view is that not only does my man/boy friend have to be worthy, but he also needs to be able to cope with me, have a strong enough character to deal with me. I know i have issues, but most are hidden, and only the strong and/or persistent have the means to find them, let alone actually make me deal with them. Other than that - I'd make a great wife/girlfriend/lover, i like to think that i am fairly low maintenance, but i guess that is mostly surface stuff.

Talking to girls about boys at the wedding was an interesting venture (and not something i recommend to do everyday). one topic in particular started on the subject of swallowing. All the girls in the room exclaimed how disgusting it was blah blah... (I quietly - due to being sober - mentioned 'nothing a shot of whisky wouldn't fix') then one girl who has been married for a few years said "you won't have to do that anymore" to the bride. I was left thinking that perhaps this was one of the contributing factors to the demise of my marriage ... our sex life got freakier and more inventive, rather than ending with me lying back and thinking of england.

enlightening? perhaps, I now know a little bit more about me, and a little more on them. good to know that different doesn't mean better.

ye Gods!

Patience is something i generally have, although as i get older it is becoming harder to hang on to. Speaking of getting older: I finally found a grey hair on Sat - pretty exciting, infact i pulled t out and put it in my bag to keep :) I'm on track for average really at 31 nearly 32 I get my first sign of aging that isn't related to alcohol.
I am also feeling a little freaked by this up and coming birthday, i just dont really like even years, it's a radioactive thing as I remember what i was doing in my half life, and when i start to realise that half my life ago i started doing things i'm still doing now, it's a bit freaky - like driving. I've had my lisense for half my life. I was also having more sex then than now - perhaps this is the one that sucks the most.
I realised however - and this is a new one for me - that i'm just not in a place in my life where i can do another one night stand, or meaningless sexual encounter. VERY strange feeling that one. But hey, you live you learn, you try new things.

Oh back to patience; I'm on dial up, but keep forgetting that there is no speed and having 3 windows open only slows things down. Also I am the family computer expert - scary, and my mother wants a website for her shop - oh ye gods! I really don't want to be doing this kind of thing. new mantra for the day: 'live, learn, try new things'. She keeps losing documents off her computer! What the hell will happen when I'm back in welly??

I spotted a new painting when I got here too - really intriguing abstract piece - not my mother or step dad at all! they normally have something a bit more tangeable like scenery or animals etc, but mum got it for the pattern - so she can copy it into her craft - now it makes sense. It didn't cost her much, and i had much delight turning it round before finally settling on which way up I think it should go - hehehehe. there is no signature to confirm which way up it goes. I think Mum is going to bring it up to me at Xmas :)

There is more to come on earlier adventures, but it may wait for my return to the Cap.

Thai Satay shouldn't be on chips

so many little issues right now...

there is rugby on, and not in the middle of the night for once - which i'm sure that many boys will be lamenting from trying to do an all nighter and finally passing out at 7:35am this morning.
me though, well, I really just want to know the final score - actually not even that, i just want to know who won. so I've got free audio - which tells me squat due to having watched very little - if any- rugby for about 7 years.
The only reason I want to know who won, is because later today i plan to meet up with some boys (who do watch rugby & care at least a little) to play pool - again something i haven't participated in for over 12months, but don't care to count exactly how long in case I cry over the lack of social life - and I know the result will affect the mood in the pub, and i like to be prepared.

My daughter will be attending the pool-playing with me, as i don't really have any one to look after her, but it's in town, and I will be driving, so not drinking, and it's not like bars are smoke filled dives anymore - just dives. Still I've still got 8 years before i can leave her home alone!

Friends of mine - and they are people i consider real friends - think I need a boyfriend; apparently i have too much time on my hands and have been spending too much time on the net - not scouring the porn sites either - facebook, or FB for us who spend too much time there.
I have been officially single for 18months now, and given the last couple of relationships I have to have potentials vetoed by friends first. Intelligent people do Stupid Stupid things, for me it's boys. can't even call them men. So, I've been regarding some of my male friends who I would NEVER consider, and they have wives that aren't too unlike myself, and realise I should perhaps go after podgy, ugly, nerdy guys. and two out of three ain't bad. they just have to have a job and their own place of residence that isn't under a bridge.

I think I'm going to try this out next weekend at the wedding I'm attending down south. I'm VERY excited about my holiday that is coming up next week. Haven't quite worked out how to get to the airport yet... probably buses, always feel a bit apprehensive when it comes to catching planes like.

oh no! news just in - the boys won't be happy today. I bet the jerseys get blamed- hahahahaha!
me? I'm quite glad, there will be less chatter about the world cup at work now.

huh?

Perplexed is me. either this site is a lot more budget than i expected it to be, or i just can't work it out. Of course it is very possible that i have spent wayyy too long on LJ & FB, but i can't work out how to save other blogs.
there MUST be a way!

I still think Fed-Ex is a funny name for Britney's Ex husband.

appologies if you are actually reading this cause I've got nothing! I have an assignment that was due today, and managed to get a 2 week extension - that's just fucking nuts! I didn't even ask for one, and told them I would be late and had no excuse other than lack of time management. I guess honesty gets rewards after all.

the Meaning of Life

to improve 'our lot'.
simple really, after all aren't we always trying to better ourselves, our lives, our finances, health, love etc?
If we really accept what we have in life - is there any point in continuing? don't get me wrong, it's nice to take pause and enjoy what we have - just not for too long, or we get complacent and loose it all.
My problem is that if i sort out what i do want, and go after it but don't get it - that pisses me off. What a waste of time! where i could have been going after something i would get - but what the hell is that? and do i want it?
Ok so it's true, i want what i can't have. so where does that leave me? I've settled for less before, and i'm not doing it again.
Then again if i actually got what i want, what then? maintain - or drive further? actually this question is redundant given previous conclusions.

I know, melodramatic - but if it exists my brain here, i can cope in RL. at least that's my theory. And i have many theories - mostly based on logic, experience and with minimal research.

If i was going to have a production company - I'd call it "Winginit productions"

The first

I know the reason... I haven't been eating enough veges recently and the melancholy is setting in.
Times like this i feel like my shattered self has been put together to look ok from afar, but there isn't enough glue in the middle drawer of my bedside unit to actually repair anything.

I am also being influenced too much into melancholy by my music, must change the cd in the car, and must stop thinking about people I can never have. The only problem is I don't really understand WHY i can't have them. this just makes me want to stamp my foot and pout.

My husband has decided he actually wants a divorce - he spelt it 'devorce' which irks me. i have no real problem with this as he is also prepared to pay for it - yah, but i do feel a like all men are abandoning me at the moment. perhaps i should be welcoming this feeling as this is my primary issue when it comes to relationships. I'd probably welcome it more if I was actually attracted to women - dont get me wrong, I'd rather look at a naked chick than a penis most days, but i'd rather play with dick than boobs.

we'll see what happens - roll on life!